Saturday, December 14, 2013

En route my first bodybuilding show, Muscle War 2014

This will be the first post that perhaps isn't so deep, far more personal, and really nothing more than a need to express thoughts because I am losing my mind.

I've been bodybuilding for years. I set my eyes on Muscle War 2014 right after watching Muscle War 2013. Every single day since then, my eyes was on Muscle War 2014. My eyes were on 2014. Not a day went by I didn't think of it. Not a training went by I didn't give my best. I don't talk about not missing trainings, I talk about giving my best every single training. That's the level I'm talking about.

I ate ridiculously "clean" (every 3 hours and only clean foods) in the bulking phase. Which in fact started since May 2012. With the exception of 3 months of dirty bulk, I have lived almost impossibly for over a year until I started my diet on 21st July 2013. The months prior I could not wait to start dieting. I craved hardship. I was all set for 24 weeks of diet(which will now be 25 because the info given about contest date was wrong/changed).

Comments from experienced bodybuilders was that it was too long. I have no idea if they meant it in terms of psychologically or physically. It didn't matter. I knew my situation and I knew how long I needed. I'm a first timer. How many first timers you see peak right for their show? Precisely because they give themselves only enough time which they don't know how to manage. So I knew I need a longer time to learn my body. To be ready early so that if I'm not, I have time. I knew I was fat. I may have eaten clean but I still got out of shape from the amount I ate and length of my bulk. From that 3 months of dirty bulk I did.

I knew as a natural with that body fat, the only way to come down and keep muscle is to lose the fat slowly.

So here I am. 21 weeks/146days of dieting. Not a single slip up. Ate every 3 hours. Never missed a meal, never put a gram of anything that isn't on my diet in my mouth. Gave everything I had every single workout. My diet length has already far surpass the length of most typical contest prep diets. By the time I am done, I would have dieted and lived almost monk-like for half a year.

27 days away from show day. And boy is this hard.

The diet started out during the last few weeks of my school term which were easy to work towards my holidays which were then a breeze. During my holidays I basically trained and had the rest of the day to myself. I had 1 cheat meal a week. It was that simple. Energy was high, brain functioning well, food was still plenty, stress from both external factors and contest were non-existent. I had plenty of time to get the things I need to done, time for myself(I need lots of that) and time with friends.

Then came my final term of school somewhere around my 12 week out mark. This term was hard. Projects piled up, diet started to take a toll on me. Brain couldn't always function well, stress was aplenty. Towards the end of the term shit started kicking in. I say shit because I don't know what to call it. I find myself quiet. Lack of energy. I was constantly stressed over a million things. I stoned very often. Some mood swings started to come in where I would feel moody at times. Nonetheless I still had time to myself for the weeks prior the last 2-3 weeks. I still could meet friends every now and then. I still had 1 cheat meal a week. I still had a decent though not optimal amount of sleep. Things got crazy only towards the last 2-3 weeks.

Then it gets worse. Term ended Friday and I report to work for my internship the very next Monday. My last cheat meal occurred that very weekend. From then on, no more cheats. The people I see almost daily for the past 3 years changed. I work 9-6 from Monday to Friday. I wake up at 6 30 everyday and begin to rush to cook my breakfast, eat, prepare all my food for the day, bath, leave. It takes me one hour to get to office. With a bag so big and heavy that is filled with my gym change including shoes, and all the Tupperware and shaker bottles along with other gym stuff etc. How big is it? Enough for me to get stopped for the first time(so it's not that I look suspicious) at the mrt station for inspection. Enough for it to be the first questions my new colleagues ask me about so curiously. Lugging my big ass bag while I'm in office wear and squeezing into peak trains with only 5 hours of sleep(I'll get to this) everyday isn't the most pleasing thing. Work goes by and I count my lucky stars my job is good on me. If I had a hard job... let's not imagine that.

I end work at 6 and lug my big ass bag to the gym. It's about another hour from office to the gym. With "nice" 5-10mins walks from the office to the MRT station and from the station to my gym. "Nice" walks. With my bag.

I start my training about 7 30(obviously I don't leave work at 6 on the dot and I don't start training without first changing and other prep stuff). I end my training at 10 and it's another hour long journey home with long walks from the gym back to the station and from my bus stop to my house. Oh yea, and the changing of stations 4 times a day and to bus let's me spend more time lugging my bag around.

So I get home at about 11. I cook my meal, eat it, wash up all the Tupperware and shaker bottles from the day along with the stuff involved in the meal I just cook and ate and bathe. I finally am done and able to sit down and 'relax' at 12 20. To which my mind is completely stoned. I'm tired but very much awake at the same time. I've passed the point of tired whereby I am now awake again. So I only am able to fall asleep at about 1. I get 5.5 hours of sleep and my day starts again.

Make no mistake I am not complaining. I chose this and I love this. I love how I'm suffering. Yet it is apparent I am suffering. My mood now is crazy. Every second of everyday I've fighting off bad moods. Moods I don't even think they should be called moods. It feels like trauma going through them. I lose myself. I lose my purpose. I become lost. The worse feeling of all is frustration. A sense of frustration so deep I feel like screaming out loud in my deadly silent office during work. That I've to stand up walk to the toilet and keep myself moving to keep myself together. Mentally I'm messed up. Emotionally I'm messed up. Physically, my body isn't reacting well from all the stress I'm putting on it especially with the lack of sleep. I have no cheat meals to look forward to. I have no time to do anything. I have 27 days left and the pressure keeps growing. I am worried about being able to peak for contest. Did I mention about the frustration feeling? I'm having "sessions" of outburst and losing myself so frequently. And when I'm not it's almost a constant struggle keeping it away that my head is overloaded with thoughts. Aggression I never felt before. Hatred I never felt before. Rage. Frustration. Loneliness. Tiredness. LOST.

Anyone who thinks what I do physically is hard, going through this mental process is a whole nother level. 25 weeks of diet is crazy. And seriously it's a mess inside me. Thoughts and feelings that aren't even funny. Even having experienced them, I look back only being able to recall so much after I get out of my "lost myself" moments. They last anywhere from an hour to half a day.

One of the hardest parts is relating mental and emotional mess to my diet. Which I have sort of been able to do through research and asking fellow bodybuilders but at times is still a question. That's the thought that kills it all. That blows up the frustration and outburst a million times. When you can't link it to your diet. How are you suppose to know it's the diet doing that to you. Because if I can link it to my diet it's so much easier. At least I can tell myself it's the diet and it's temporary. But when I can't... I become a wreck.

Not to forget the sense of loneliness. Both physically and mentally. Where there really isn't time to meet people and even when I rarely do there's that sense of not being understood by people.

27 days out. I will do what I told myself I would. Come hell or high water.

Ps. If you've read through, thank you.