Friday, August 30, 2013

Overcoming Insecurities

So common is it to be insecure that it almost seems as though to be insecure is to be human and to be human is to be insecure. What does that imply? It implies that people who are insecure stopped believing it is actually possible to be secure; they have accepted the idea that humans are insecure.

"I'm so fat"
"I'm too short"
"I'm ugly"
"I'm weak"
"My thighs are too big"
"My waist is too thick"
"Nobody likes me"

The ever so familiar phrases. You've either thought it, said it or heard it.

Insecurity is nothing more than a problem. Just like any problem, to solve it, you have to understand it. The method in which most people try to solve their insecurities is by trying to change from without. Changing the physical. Changing the surface of the problem. If they feel too fat, they try to lose weight. If they feel ugly, they sit by and wish they could be better looking. Trying to do that is like a gambling addict trying to solve his problem by disallowing himself into casino ABC, his regular casino. Eventually, he's going to end up at another casino XYZ because he has failed to solve the root of his problem.
Likewise for insecurity, if we only tackle the physical problem, say weight for instance, we will find that sooner or later, we start to become insecure over something else. We must change from within.

So what about insecurity is there to understand? Insecurity works because 2 conditions exist. Most people will recognize the first but fail to see the second.

The first will be low self-esteem or low self-confidence. Let's use "fat" as the constant point of reference here to keep things simple. Low self-confidence isn't to think you are fat when you are not. That is EFFECT of low self-confidence, not low self-confidence in itself. Being able to identify a flaw of yourself ACCURATELY isn't low self-confidence, that's being able to maintain self-integrity(avoid self-denial). Trying to identify the standing of your self-confidence from whether you find yourself fat is then impossible because you can't actually tell if it is low self-confidence or truth, if it is high self-confidence or denial. Low self-confidence is you under-valuing your self-worth. Regardless of whether you are actually fat or not, when your self-worth is valued high(which is should always be), you will, even as you identify yourself as being fat(when you really are), be able to not be affected. It will not become an insecurity because you have already valued yourself well. If you're not fat, you won't identify yourself as fat. For you have valued yourself well and able to look at each body part without biasness against yourself. Think about it, people who value themselves lowly will look at their body and pick out a million flaws of which most aren't actually flaws. People who value themselves appropriately high will pick out only true flaws. Of course over valuation could mean being in denial over certain flaws not existing - but that's not the topic here. Nonetheless, when self-valuation is high, flaw or no flaw, they have already valued themselves enough that they know a flaw doesn't dampen who they are in reality.

To think that self-valuation being low is not the cause but the result of thinking one is fat is to be half right. In many cases, it is both. It hence ends up in a vicious cycle.

The second condition is caring about what others think. Sure you may feel your worth is nothing. Your self-worth may be rock bottom. You may find yourself ugly, fat, short, stupid, everything. But if you don't care what others think, you will never be affected. You will never be insecure. What is there to be insecure about! You couldn't care less what others think. Couldn't give any less of a fuck some might say. But when you are conscious over everything YOU THINK others think about you, you will think that they think of you the way you think of yourself. So if you value yourself so lowly, you will think others think likewise.

Alright, so much for understanding the problem. What's understanding the problem without solutions. If you think hard enough you will realise that despite me speaking of the 2 conditions as being completely unrelated, they are in fact related. The second condition is the result of the first. Yet both conditions must be met(meaning it's possible to meet one without the other) because the second condition is not certain a result of the first. It is possible to have low self-worth but not care about what others think. And it is possible to care about what others think while having high self-value. Both of which would have been the result of other factors like past experiences, ways self-rationalization, etc.

The solution then has to be fixing the problems which essentially is raising self-worth. Even if caring about what others think was the result of other factors, raising self-worth will impede the amount you care or are affected by what you think others think. However if it is the result of other factors then the solution for that particular problem is going to have to be tailored by the cause of it. Which may be very specific to individual.

Nonetheless, raising self-worth will definitely eliminate the first conditioning hence removing insecurity. It is also highly likely to solve the second condition or at least improve it.

Improving self-worth................... easier said than done!!!!!!!!! How do we go about doing that? We do that by means of becoming what my idol would call the strongest versions of ourselves.

There are many ways to explain what that really means but to sum it up simply, it means you become the person you believe is the best possible version of you. Be it chasing after a passion/goal/interest and perfecting it or excelling in your studies/career or doing each and every daily task with perfection. Whichever you think the best version of you would be doing, you do, and then become. Most often it would be the combination of all I have mentioned and more.

Even as we pursue our goals or improve our career, it is not as simple as working harder. We are talking about the strongest and best versions of yourself here, not stronger and better. So even as your pursue them, it has to be pursued by doing everything possible to be the best you can be at what you set out to be. We are not talking about improvement here, we are talking about self-worth. Self-worth doesn't come from trying harder, it doesn't come from being better.. Self-worth comes from knowing you are the best you there can be and that comes from doing the best you can. See how this ties in with one of my older post?



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